December 7, 2006
Well today started so well.  I couldn’t sleep much last night, but I don’t think I needed much.  I woke up early and saw a beautiful red sky.  I decided to do some yoga and as soon as I finished the salutation of the sun, the sun peaked up over the mountains.  I ended up doing about 1 ½ hours of yoga and just soaking in the peace and joy I feel in my new room.  What a great beginning to any day.
Then there was some miscommunication.  I found out from Julie that Natasha and I were not supposed to go on the field trip tomorrow.  Strange because I was actually asked if I could go as they didn’t have enough people.  Natasha wasn’t even approached.  Does she not exist?  Did they forget about us.  Apparently the Thai staff had a meeting without us.  Maybe we don’t exist.  Kawn tried to say none of us were here on Tuesday when they had the meeting, nice try Tuesday is the only day everyone is here.  I have the what are you thinking moments all to often.  “But Alice you are not on the list”  I hear.  I didn’t know there was a list, I didn’t see the list and if I did I still wouldn’t know as it is all in Thai.
If we go, others will not be able to.  There are only so many tickets.  I don’t want to be the cause of someone else being left behind.  I don’t want to be left behind either.  Does the night staff care?  Are there any hurt feelings?  We actually asked what the night staff wanted to do and the answer was no problem, they don’t care which really means no we won’t care because we are Thai.  This is truly the most foreign culture I have ever lived in and it is definitely hard to cope with.
I feel sabotaged, but also like I am making to much of this, unwanted, unneeded, unnoticed, really unwanted, who would notice if I was gone really?  Anyone?  I have committed, can I even back out.  What does backing out say about me?  Is it wrong to quit?  Where else could I go?  Should I just take the free resort room and not pay attention to the rest of the people here?  Should I try to step up and make changes?  I really don’t know what to do.  Yes in a way this is a cry for help, but more realistically I am just really really frustrated and need to vent.  Any advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.  Love
-Alice -Free